Morning, lovebugs. It's that time again. "I feel a blog coming on" is an expression some of y'all are familiar with, when I feel an EMPOWERMENT moment may be lurking. It's been a minute! That's fantastic! It means I don't feel the need to issue reality checks nearly as often these days! ;) Hooray for women who know their worth and refuse to settle! You go, gals!
Today I want to talk about men! More importantly, how to recognize the difference between what I like to call a "basic boy" and a "grown-ass man". Now, keep in mind, even the BEST of 'em need a little nudging sometimes, but if you're on the right track with the right dude? It won't take much! This isn't an "all-inclusive" list that's magically going to help you with uh...housebreaking?!...your favorite fella, but for sure, it may save you some pain caused by dealing with the wrong one! Here are 10 examples of behavior that can clue you in as to which one you've got on your hands. Enjoy!
A boy will lie to you, either directly or by omission. He will "smooth over" details. He'll avoid certain disclosures. He will try to make things sound better than they are. He may not come out and tell you the "whole truth" under the guise of not wanting to hurt or upset you.
A man will lay it on the table. You'll know where he's at, who he's with, what he's doing and he'll be forthcoming about his actions. He won't leave you wondering if you can trust him. He may even tell you more than you want to know but he WILL tell you, because he doesn't have anything to hide.
A boy refuses to take responsibility. Even if he SAYS he does, there will be "qualifiers" about why he "had" to act a certain way ("I didn't have a choice" or "_____ MADE me."). He'll tell you why things weren't "his fault" or will deflect and try to make it YOURS. He will make you seem unreasonable for expectations.
A man owns his actions. He admits when he messed up. He examines his part in things and acknowledges his responsibility. He doesn't make excuses or try to sugarcoat his story. He claims his decisions. He won't expect you to defend or protect him from consequences.
A boy won't rise to a challenge; he'll step away from one. When you give him a standard, he'll gradually fall back rather than rise to it. He'll go find something (and someone) easier, who doesn't demand anything from him, so that he doesn't have to change. He will TEST your boundaries rather than respecting them.
A man may take a minute to get there but he will make every effort to be who you expect him to be. If you are important to him, he will show you that. He will adjust his own behavior in order to meet your needs. He will be willing to compromise. He will demonstrate his respect for you by not expecting you to "settle" and take whatever he feels like handing you.
A boy will leave you wondering where you stand. He will be unclear in his communication and inconsistent in his approach. He will be full of charm with no substance. He won't be interested in learning anything about you, because he doesn't really care. He won't ask questions aimed at emotional closeness. He will refuse to commit to titles, dates, times; you will hear phrases like, "I'm not looking for anything serious." or "I'll call you later..." You'll have to look HIM up a lot. He'll "ghost" on you and then give you JUST enough attention to reel you back in if he sees you drifting away. He will be "busy" a lot except when he doesn't FEEL like being.
A man will make you his priority, not an option. He will pursue you. He will carve time out of his day, even if it's a short text or call, to let you know he's around. He will let you know in no uncertain terms that he's interested and he will not let you doubt that. He will be very clear about what he wants. He will get to know everything he can about you from your favorite colorto why certain songs makes you cry, because he wants to understand your heart. You will not have to even turn your head to find him because he will be all up in your business as often as he is able, trying to lock you down. When a man knows what he wants, he goes after it.
A boy will be all about "fun". He'll love to laugh and have a good time but he'll fold the minute anything gets real or hard. You will not be able to count on him to help you through a crisis or even have a serious conversation about feelings. He may disguise this as "knowing you can take care of yourself." This is because he doesn't want to be the one taking care of you. He will not give you his full attention unless you're talking about something he finds interesting, or have any real input for issues you bring him.
A man will ALSO know how to cut up and play, but will check on you, make sure you have what you need and is willing to step up when that becomes an issue. He may not be your "knight in shining armor" for every little thing but he WILL express to you that he welcomes you leaning on his strength for support. He won't be afraid to discuss serious things, or dodge important talks. Even if all he can do is listen, he will.
A boy will be arrogant and immature in the way he expresses his emotions. He will tell you, "Don't get mad at me. It's not MY fault you can't handle _____." or (especially if he knows you're upset by his actions or lack thereof) be deliberately demeaning in the way he presents his "argument" defending himself. He will get angry with you for expressing your hurt or dismiss and ignore your concerns. He will "blow you off" quite a bit. He will not change the behavior you have issues with.
A man may not agree with you but he will always express himself in a way that matches how he values you. He will not curse or call you names. He will not yell at you or make you feel unsafe. He will not demean your intelligence or insult it, or you. He will not "blameshift". He may stand his ground but he will be matter-of-fact and not defensive. He will tell you how he feels, address your statements and let you know that he hears you. Then he will make an EFFORT to correct the problem.
A boy is easily influenced. He is swayed by the opinions of others and always chasing the next "best" thing. He will be led around by the nose, looking for approval when it comes to his decisions. He will be unclear from one moment to the next as to his next move, have nebulous goals with no real plan to achieve them and always have other people in his ear. Don't be surprised if everything about your relationship is often at the mercy of what his friends, family members or babymamas have to say about it.
A man takes time to examine angles, makes an informed decision and stands by it. He's not "wishy-washy." He has clear and achievable goals that he sets for himself and works to achieve them. He will take into account how others feel but it won't influence his final decision. He's not distracted by "flash"; he handles his business in-house and doesn't put it up for a vote. He won't let others "pull" him away from you or interfere in your relationship and he will NOT tolerate disrespect towards you, no matter who's trying it on. He will make it clear where his loyalties lie.
A boy will keep something between you. There will always be a part of his life you're not privy to; you won't meet his people or have unrestricted access to his space, his phone (or in our case his "visit list"), his social media or his free time. He'll make excuses or get defensive if you get curious. There will be some things he shares with you and others he doesn't. He will pick and choose what you know about him and when you know it. He will keep you at arm's length, ignore you or change the subject when things make him uncomfortable.
A man may have his hobbies and shouldn't be expected to account for every conversation he has or every minute of the day he's with you, but he will look for ways to include you. He will want you to know as much about him as he wants to know about you. He'll share stories about his day, introduce you to his friends and make sure you have all the information about him you need in order to feel secure. He won't hide anything about what he does. He will look for things you can do together. He will claim you so that everyone who is important to him knows you are too. He will want you around as much as possible, in private and in public.
A boy will shut you down or make you do it yourself. He will invalidate your feelings. He will only care about things that are important to you if they interest him as well. He will expect your time and attention but won't return it with the same amount of effort. He'll spend time focused on his own desires and needs and give you what he has "left over" for yours. He will be shallow and juvenile with his humor and be dismissive of your discomfort.
A man may not share your passions but will support and encourage them. He will find out what your personal goals are and help you work to achieve them. He may gently tease you but it won't be hurtful or crass. He will make as much effort as you do to show you the relationship is a priority to him; he will adjust his schedule, even when busy, to make sure you're not on the back burner. He will laugh with you and not at you or the things that are important to you.
A boy will take advantage. He will tell you whatever he thinks you need to hear in the moment in order to get his "wants" met. He may or may not remember to thank you. He will take things as his due and always expect more, regardless of the strain or inconvenience it may cause you. He won't hear "No"; he'll change his tactics and do his best to wear you down. He may get abusive with words and actions if you turn him down, or try to manipulate you by telling you a sob story or threatening to find somebody else. He will fully expect you to drop everything for the privilege of his company or attention.
A man may ask for things but if you are unable or unwilling to fulfill his wishes, he will respect that. He won't guilt trip you. He will express gratitude and be mindful of the load he's asking you to carry. He won't expect things from you he's not willing to do himself; he'll meet you halfway. He will treat you like a partner, not a plaything or possession. He will respect your strength, hard work, commitments and responsibilities in the same way you do his, and he'll share the load when he can.
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