10 years ago (Holy smokes!), in my previous incarnation as a military wife, I received a piece of SAGE advice from an older and more experienced spouse (Thanks, KM! 💗) that has served me well. She knew that I was struggling (while transitioning myself from "soldier" to "spouse") in an effort to mentor young women who were relying on my knowledge of the system and how it worked. She could see me drowning in my efforts to be "all things to all people" and prop up EVERYBODY who said they needed a hand. Pulling me aside, she poured a glass of wine and said, "Let me make this simple for you." Then she relayed the following:
"When somebody comes to you with an issue, listen. Give them your very best advice ONE time. Sit back and WATCH to see what they do with it. If they take it, apply it and then come back, stay with 'em. Give 'em some more. That's somebody who's TRYING to learn. If they argue with you about all the reasons it won't work or don't do anything at all and then come back crying? CUT THEM OFF. Do not pass "Go", do not collect $200. That's someone who doesn't want to change. They just want to complain. They will suck the soul right out of you. Don't waste your time."
I remember thinking at the time, "Wow. That's kind of a heartless approach. I mean, EVERYBODY deserves help, right? I'm not BETTER than anybody else. Isn't that kind of...egotistical? To think that not everybody's problem is 'worth' my input?"
No.
No, it's not.
Let me tell you why.
When you truly care for people, you don't HELP them HURT themselves. You don't sit and ENABLE them to endlessly make the same mistake over and over again. You don't expend your time and effort until you find yourself exhausted, trying to pour from an empty cup and realizing that the people who deserve your energy aren't going to get it because you're so busy trying to take care of the ones who are abusing it. You can't save everybody. And you shouldn't try.
Unfortunately, there are STUBBORN people amongst us (raising hand and glancing in mirror to straighten imaginary tiara). Plenty of the wisdom I've personally gained over the years was ONLY achieved by virtue of some truly painful life experiences. Why? Because I'm a big DUMMY sometimes, who didn't take advantage of the people who KNEW better. The ones standing in front of me on the road with the "Bridge Out Ahead" sign, frantically waving their arms and shouting. The ones who'd "been there, done that" and had the scars to prove it.
You think I'd have paid attention.
I didn't.
And thanks to that, I learned a lot of things the HARD way. I hurt myself and (indirectly, although without deliberate intent) sometimes other people I loved. I had a lot of needless DRAMA that could have been avoided if I'd just listened. But I did eventually GET the lesson. And, dare I say it, I'm even better off for it now. Because just like touching a hot stove, when something HURTS enough, you have a tendency not only to avoid repeating it but also making SURE (if you have even half a brain) that you WILLFULLY place yourself in a different position so it never happens again.
You gotta let some people hit their own walls, bounce off and then FINALLY grasp how to create healthy boundaries with the bricks.
"God helps those who help themselves" is an adage we're all familiar with. I don't know if that's true. I have a deep faith and it seems to me that God has sometime helped the MOST when I was a hot mess, because He loves me and that's how GRACE works. Either way, though, I think it's usually wise counsel for PEOPLE who are helpers. I cling not only to the words of my friend but to two lessons I learned long ago as a young medic.
If YOU'RE down, there's nobody to save the people who need saving, so self-care is a big deal.
Once you ARE good to go, you focus your resources on the people who have the greatest chance of making it and (this is a hard one) ignore the rest.
There are different seasons in life. Once upon a time, I was a "rookie" prison wife - actually, before I was even a wife, when "friend" was still the title! - full of fear and questions and doubts and in need of SERIOUS support. And I got it, from a FABULOUS group of fun, fearless and fantastic women* who came and threw their arms around my shaky self and said, "Welcome, sisterfriend. We have you. You can do this." It was a LIFELINE. I literally would not be here, happier than I've ever been, if THEY hadn't been. And I soaked it up like a sponge. I listened, I asked a lot of stupid questions, I freaked out several times a day there in my "safe place" and they let me. They patiently reassured me, helped me find resources, gave GREAT advice and challenged my thinking (and even some prejudice and judgment) in a LOT of ways. And this time, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES...I listened.
Everrrrrrrr so slowly, as I grew into love with my husband, I also grew into my own. I took everything that was handed to me, tossed it around, tried it on for size, talked about it with Ben and a few others, and thankfully, made PROGRESS. Now time has passed, roles have changed and I find myself being the one whose phone pings a million times a day with "Mama Jo! HELLLLPPPPPPPP!" It's an HONOR and an awesome, humbling responsibility. It's also a huge pain in the ass sometimes.
I still want to save everybody. It's still hard that I can't. It's still annoying when I have to look at someone I've talked to countless times, who I know damn well has a few miles of really shitty road in front of them and just SCROLL ON BY, while thinking, "Nope. Not touching that one with a 10 foot pole. Good luck, girl. You're gonna need it." I've had to learn all over again, though.
My overall mission is more important than my "fan club" membership.
I'm here to help those who want to be in HEALTHY relationships. If you come to me and tell me things which let me know in no uncertain terms that you are allowing yourself to be treated as "less than", I'm going to tell you that just as bluntly. Tough love stings like Mercurochrome sometimes (yes, I'm that old; those of you who didn't just automatically grimace, go look it up. I'll wait.) but that doesn't mean it's NOT the truth. I'm always here to help you if you're ready to help YOURSELF. If you're not? I got nothin' for you.
I will still love you. I will still be respectful towards you. I will still fervently wish for your best and make SURE I "pump you up" when you do something great. I will still WHOLEHEARTEDLY keep you in my prayers. But I can't be here for you.
I'm here to get the ones who may be just a few steps wrong but aren't standing in quicksand. I'm here to help build up women but not DRAG them from where they're sitting behind the starting line, fully expecting to be CARRIED the entire length of the track and calling that "support". Nope. My job is to strengthen you until you can stand on your OWN two feet, sister. #SorryNotSorry.
This life is HARD. There are certainly times we need to lean on each other. I'm not immune to that one AT all! SEVERAL of my girlfriends will be happy to tell you about the "come-aparts" I still occasionally have where they need to let me unload. It happens. But by god, after a quick pep talk, I'm up and back at it and determined to put my big girl panties on and figure it out, not just sit and wallow. And that's exactly what I expect from YOU if you're going to come to me for help along the way.
No time for trainwrecks.
All the time in the world for the ones who are TRYING.
Those are the ones I'm choosing to save.
* If you are a prison wife looking for real love and support, go to http://www.strongprisonwives.com and you'll get exactly what you need. Tell 'em Mama Jo sent you. They're an excellent tribe.
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